I was suspicious of something more when I spoke to the kid I bought it from, but since he thought it siezed from a skipped timing set and knowing that's not how that works and I could not rotate it, I went for it.
Turns out somebody replaced the timing set, apparently had the engine out or at least tried. Torque converter bolts were not tight enough, low pressure fuel line was routed wrong at the back of the passenger head, the purge line along the back of the motor was not screwed down, coolant lines at the rear passenger head were unsecured, several trans bolts were loose, 5 fuel injectors had an old o-ring jammed up into the fuel rail, the bolt holding the oil pump drive gear was sheared or broken (easy fix there) and the pass head plastic oil passage plug on top at the rear looks plugged.
Other than the crank and rods, it all is pretty easy stuff. The previous owner/attempted worker just had no clue what they were doing! It's a good thing I enjoy fixing them. I'll make it purr.